Before I go!

Whaddup universe.
My nerves are twanging louder than Joanna Newsom's harpstrings and vocal chords combined right now. It's been a whole long time since I've been this nervous. I can't even remember the last time. Eating food finally made me feel at least a little less trembly and feverish, but I still think I might pass out from my heart beating too hard against my chest. Yay, great.
It's basically because I've avoided really thinking deeply about the intensity of the independent project I am setting out for myself for the next three weeks. It is really very, very intense. At the same time though, it is going to be (hopefully) absolutely-fucking-fascinating an fun as hell. But first I have to go, get settled in, and get started. And that is scaring the living daylights out of me right now.
But no one in the world really knows (except for my classmates and professors and some strangers far away who will be receiving me tomorrow) what exactly I am planning to do over the next three weeks. As fun as it sounds, maybe I won't keep shrouding myself in mystery. It's not actually that I've expressly been this mysterious recently, I've just been so overwhelmed! So much is going on, and so much that I want to pay attention to! I finished final exams though, and the last of my projects and presentations and papers, and now all I have left to do is pack. And so obviously I laid all my clothes out on my bed in neat piles and am now avoiding looking at them by coming here.
At least packing is the one constant that keeps me coming back to this blog, right? And how crazy my thoughts get sometimes and how much I now realize I need the time to process through the single-stream-therapy method of writing it all out. Who knew that this is what I've been needing my whole life?
Not I, said the little red-head.
So maybe it's time I just blurt out what I'm doing. Alright. It's making my stomach hurt thinking about it, but I should be repeating it and repeating it as much as I can, til I am as comfortable talking about my proposed project as I am saying the alphabet backwards (thx Mr. Springer!)

SO: I am going back to Guanacaste, to the town of Pajaros (birds!) also known as Costa de Pajaros. When Columbus (or whomever planted his flag) first landed he was pretty excited about how many albatros there were nesting in the trees. A whole lot apparently - hence the name.
So I am going to Costa de Pajaros to do a series of workshops with young adolescent mothers there. Costa Rica has some of the highest adolescent pregnancy rates in Latin America, as well as the world. Adolescent pregnancy remains the leading killer of women age 14-19, and 99% of these deaths occur in developing countries like Costa Rica. Women's health is an area that still needs HUGE attention worldwide..over the past 40 years a lot of progress has been made, particularly in terms of addressing the health of women of reproductive age (sorry - I'm not going to bother to give ANY of my sources right now. I'll attach the rough draft of my paper proposal as well as bibliography for those who may be interested). But women of old age, or who are post-menopausal, or adolescents continue to receive less-than-adequate attention. And in areas where there is poverty, political or environmental conflict, migration, or natural disasters, the likelihood of women's health coming into jeopardy rises exponentially.
So I am going to an area which has suffered a whole lot of social and political upheaval, as well as environmental degradation, and a whole lot of poverty. Costa de Pajaros is situated in the Gulf of Nicoya, where essentially everyone has lived off fishing since time-immemorial, and where the machismo was so strong that women couldn't leave their houses - in fact, when their husbands left to go fishing they'd have to accompany them on the boats and help repair nets while trying not to make any eye contact with males who might cross their path. Recently, much has changed. The government of Costa Rica officially has been addressing the issue by sending in educators to change the ways that women think about themselves, and in particular how they can contribute to their families. Cause there's no more fish. Not that the same crisis isn't occurring everywhere else in maritime waters, but the citizens of Costa de Pajaros are kind of at a dead-end. When we were visiting, we got a tour of one of the government and UN small-projects fund funded projects (whoop!) which involved creating a butterfly garden to attract tourists, and which also can (or will) give tours of the mangrove forests along the coast, as well as send butterfly pupae to international butterfly enthusiasts. These women created their own small business in order to maintain their standard of living without having to leave their small town (and therefore their family) to work in a hotel, or some other job.
Anyways, beyond that, when we visited we spoke to one of the women about a school that has been set up for adolescent mothers to go back to school at night and obtain their equivalent of a GED. But the attitudes surrounding these women were really interesting, addressing their behavior (having gotten knocked up) as an act of "rebelliousness", and seemingly incredibly problematic. Which it is, but I believe so for an entirely separate set of reasons. Number one: these girls aren't able to vote, don't own property, don't have an education, and haven't necessarily even their own room, but from them are coming Costa Rica's newest generation. Beyond the long list of health risks, these girls simply occupy this negative space (or a blank space, not to get all arty on y'all) in Costa Rican society. They own nothing, except they own the future of the country, in a way. And they're being faced by all these really important issues, which I am 100% sure they have opinions about, though they may not have ever really been asked to think about them before. So that's what I'm doing.
I'm doing a participatory ethnographic project, where with a small group of girls I will discuss different themes of their lives, mainly focusing on body image - meaning how they view themselves and where they are physically and psychologically positioned in Costa Rican society - meaning everything from their family, their town, their church, their school, their work, to their larger government. I want to know what is most important to them, as well as their future goals. I also want to give them the space to tell me, through alternative mediums such as drawing, writing, and lastly doing a photographic project, what is meaningful in their lives. These they will share, not just with me but also with the group, to stem further discussion and reflection. I'd really like for them to come out with several works that they can be proud of, that have given them the time and space to define their own voice and thoughts, and which has nothing and at the same time everything to do with their lives.
Beyond working with these girls (and I think I might do 2 or 3 different small group workshops), I will also be networking in the community, attending the school to see what a sexual education class is like here, as well as interviewing pivotal figures in the community about their opinions about some of the issues these young women are facing. I will also be visiting homes and interviewing mothers and families about the issues these young women face, to gauge what the community sentiment towards adolescent pregnancy (and motherhood) is. Since 1 in 4 of the babies born in this area are born to young mothers (and there is a whole network of factors that can be connected to why this may be, which I'll go into another time), many of these young women end up relying on their families or the families of their boyfriends/husbands in order to take care of the baby. Beyond what happens once the baby is born, undoubtedly the mothers and families of these younger-mothers have opinions about why and how their daughter came to be in this position. I want to gauge more the atmosphere in these homes, and see what these young women might be dealing with on an every day basis.
I don't really think I should write anymore. I need to keep packing so that I can leave in a little bit to spend my last night with my other ICADS students before we all leave for all-corners of the country. I leave so early tomorrow, too! On a bus all by myself! Even though in the end I'm going to be only half-an-hour by boat from two of my classmates..And when I arrive in Costa de Pajaros, after some very vague bus changes in a port city that I don't know at all (Ahh!), I am going to be greeted by the women's association who work in the butterfly garden and present my project to them. Which is absolutely wonderful, since then I will have the beginnings of the social network I need to start completing this project! And hopefully one of them will take me to church with her on Sunday, and another will tell me where I can go to the clinic to meet with doctors, etc. Lots to do. And also luckily I don't really have to begin working on this project until Monday or Tuesday, which gives me two and a half days to situate myself in the town, and literally and figuratively begin mapping out where I am and where I am going from there.
SO exciting and so scary. Not really that scary. But I speak so little Spanish, and I am going to be doing so much talking! Doesn't a smile say a thousand words though? Probably none of them are about teen-pregnancy though. Too bad. Hopefully word travels fast around this small town, and as soon as they see me (the only redhead ever, probably) they'll know to hide their women and children if they don't want me lingering around asking questions. Or the opposite, is actually what I hope...I don't know what I'm talking about anymore. I need to go pack!
I have a cell phone number though! It's going to be super expensive for anyone to call me, but if you want my number let me know and I'll give it to you, especially if you want it in case of emergencies (and you want to call me in Costa Rica and tell me the whole story, ya know).
AHH! Alright. Wish me luck!