Update

This moment might be the first in this house (that I have now been living in for two weeks and three hours) when I can't hear the padding of babies feet on tile, women gossiping, someone showering, or the tv crackling in the background.

And it's already over. A friend and cousin is now wandering through the house spreading the smell of his fresh aftershave, singing and arguing with my host mother while she sorts her bills, disputing whether he's related to another cousin's baby daughter, and now another cousin and daughter-in-law (with whom I conducted one of my morning interviews) is playing music on her cell phone and flapping her flip-flops in boredom.

It's funny that I believe (somewhere deep down) that I connect with my host-mother most of all. I've only had a few long conversations her, after all. I doubt she'd believe it to, though I think she recognizes that we both apreciate calmness and the times of day when it is quiet, when the tv isn't yet buzzing and the sweat hasn't started dripping. Before the first baby whines. She and I are coming at it from separate sides of the spectrum - she's lived an incredibly full 40 years, full of so much noise, so many babies yelling, greasy hands grabbing, family coming and going. I think the only noises I remember from my childhood is music, traffic, and the sounds of animals ruffhousing. Neighbors outside, but within the home has always been relative stillness and quiet. I don't know whether I miss the stillness of the homes or winter more, or whether they're actually the same thing.

Over the past two weeks, something has shifted and settled, leveling out my aspirations and leaving me smooth, less easily roused. They've been two slow, hard, incredible, and incredibly lazy, sweltering weeks, and I don't feel like I've come nearly far enough, just that I've been walking up this endless uphill slope in the heat, and there's no where I can keep going except forwards for another week. What I've decided to dip my toes into out of interest for my own project are much deeper than I could ever have imagined.

I've surrendered to that though. I realize that this is three weeks of my life, and that I must take as much from it as possible without getting lost in it. The only thing that still trips me up is the worst of the sexual harrassment I've found myself on the recieving end of. I'd say I don't deserve to be bothered and so upset since I haven't been living in this community for as long as most, but I don't think that's true at all. Someday I'll write a whole essay about machismo, maybe I'll feel better. Right now it's just not worth thinking about, especially when I consider how much more I get since everyone knows I'm not from here. There's only so much I can worry about in a day. If this were my own community, I would never deal with this the way I am now, but since it's not I don't see myself as having much of a choice. The structure is so much bigger than I am.

But more about the project itself -

I don't even know where to begin, except to say there is no such thing as adolescent pregnancy. This is not a revelation to me (or to anyone else if you actually think) - but rather it is part of the creeping answer that has been growing in the back of my mind since about day three, and I am still trying to pick it apart with fingers and teeth. Adolescent pregnancy is just a symptom of much greater social problems, not just a symptom but also inversely a cause. There is no way to address adolescent pregnancy without looking at the complex web of how society affects individuals, families, communities, regions and countries.. I'm overwhelmed and exhausted even trying to create a visual.

But my interviews are going very well. I've had to change my methods slightly, focusing more on personal interactions rather than a series of group workshops, due to the slowness of this town, how difficult it has been to reach out to and communicate with mothers (of all ages), and the time and resources I have here to accomplish this project. The truth is that I set out to undertake a project much greater than myself, and therefore what I am hoping now (and more realistically) to come away is enough to meet my own personal goals. Now it is time to be systematic, and patient, and

All of the above..

It's too hot to be writing right now and I'm grossed out by how lethargic the heat has made me. I needed to write some sexual education quizes for teenagers and got upset at how few resources there are online in Spanish and haven't gotten back on track since.. I suppose I could do a couple interviews and walk for a while. Drink some juice. It's Friday, after all. And the house is a little too quiet. I'll write in greather length about my goals and aspirations on a cooler day.